4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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