my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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