No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
