when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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