she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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