last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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