Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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