Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
