Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
