Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
That accounts for only three of the penises
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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