Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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