Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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