I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
