ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Still dying that you shit outside
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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