Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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