just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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