why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
