when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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