He asked to "fluff my boner.."
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
