just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
