True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
