Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
