i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize