so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
