you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
