it's like iHOP with fire
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
