can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The uberlube is also flammable
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
