You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
The feeling are messing with the penis
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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