HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
