i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
