We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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