this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
