Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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