I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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