So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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