I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
We have started to decorate penises.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
