Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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