I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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