I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
If I die, sorry about rent.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Shame - the story of my life.
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