I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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