I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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