I cannot find my penis.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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