fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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