She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
