this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
