I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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