put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
