And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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