who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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