if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
