Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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