I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
