I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
