question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
