I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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