Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
