Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
