last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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