What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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